emotions – Mimi's Thoughts

Intelligence Compatibility

It’s really beautiful when you are with someone who meets you intellectually.

The conversations flow and also, ideas bounce effortlessly between you. You don’t have to shrink your thoughts or over explain your perspective. There’s mutual respect in your thinking, your reasoning, and the basic ways you both engage with the world. For some of us, especially those who are sapiosexual, this kind of connection feels like home… when you marry someone like that, it can feel like you got it right.

But the truth is, there’s the part people don’t talk about enough: the fact you both are Intellectually compatible does not guarantee you will be emotionally compatible.

You can be equally matched in education, logic, and curiosity… and still experience a gap when it comes to emotions.

I have come to learn that there are different ways people show up in a relationship:

1. Educational/Intellectual Intelligence: how you analyze, process, learn, and understand the world.
2. Emotional Intelligence: how you feel, express, regulate, and connect on a deeper, human level.

Sometimes… Or might I say, most times, these don’t grow at the same pace in two people.

One partner may be deeply expressive, emotionally aware, and intuitive.
The other may be thoughtful, logical, and grounded but less fluent in emotional expression. Neither is wrong. They’re just… different languages.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you are the one who feels deeply and expresses it openly, you may recognize a quiet tension where, you want presence, understanding, emotional closeness… but instead, they offer solutions, silence, or structure.

This often gets you thinking to yourself and saying things like: “I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to feel it with me.” they on the other hand might be thinking: “I’m trying to help. I just don’t know what else to do.”

When this happens, something subtle takes over… you begin to feel alone in your emotional world, even while being loved.

Over time, especially in long marriages, something shifts. You start to see your partner clearly… not as who they could be, but as who they are. Acceptance.

That’s when you get to make a choice: Do you keep pushing for them to become what they may never fully be?
Or do you learn how to live well within the truth of who they already are?

For some, the answer becomes the word I mentioned before… acceptance. This is not the kind that silences you but the kind that understands patterns, adjusts expectations, and builds balance. This balance doesn’t mean you stop needing emotional connection. I think it just means you become intentional about how you meet that need.

If you feel up to it, you can express what you need in the moment. For example, “I don’t need advice right now, I just want you to listen.”
You could also take some moments to recognize their effort, even when it comes in a different form
Then, you could also create other safe spaces for emotional expression with friends, or by journaling and other creative outlets/methods.

Balance also may require you to understand one hard truth: One person may not meet every part of you and that doesn’t automatically mean something is broken… I think it is just what it is.

One fine line that raises a concern for me is the line between acceptance vs. silent self-abandonment. Acceptance can bring peace. True… But sometimes, it can also come with quiet self-adjustment that goes unnoticed.
So in the midst of all the balance and acceptance, the question is this; Are you still emotionally nourished in this relationship… just in a different way?
Or have you learned to carry your emotional world mostly on your own?
And most importantly, how does it feel deep inside?

Like I said in the beginning there’s something beautiful and also powerful about a relationship where; You are intellectually matched, You understand each other’s limits and you choose to stay… with awareness, not illusion.
It’s not perfect. It’s not a movie script… it’s real.

And sometimes, real love isn’t about finding someone who mirrors you in every way.
It’s about building something steady with someone who meets you deeply in some ways while you gently learn how to hold the rest.

If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, you’re not alone.

And if you’ve found your balance, even quietly… that’s not something small.
That’s wisdom.

A hug in a book

There’s something quietly beautiful about a thrift book. It’s not just the lower price or the softened pages, it’s the feeling that the story has been held before. Maybe someone paused where you will pause. Maybe they underlined a sentence that will mean something entirely different to you. There’s a quiet continuity in it.

I stumbled into the world of thrift books two years ago on Instagram. I had no idea it existed in my location. I gradually began adding to my little library.

Today I walked into one of the bookshops I used to buy books from and found out they had some affordable books… Apparently they are thrifting these days.

I bought True Believer by Nicholas Sparks. I opened it and found a hug inside.

It was a simple picture, two women, wrapped in each other in a quiet, unguarded moment. No names, no date, no explanation. Just warmth, captured and tucked between pages, as though someone once needed to keep that feeling close.

I paused longer than I expected to.

Who were they to each other? Friends, sisters, mother and daughter? Was it a reunion or a goodbye? There’s something about a hug that holds both joy and ache at the same time… and somehow, that feeling lingered even without the story.

The book was second-hand, but the moment inside it didn’t feel used or old. It felt alive.

I’m glad I bought this.

Remembering 40

I found myself turning at about 2:00am last night. The power was out and the heat was unbearable. After tossing for another 30 miuntes, I gave up. I picked up my tablet and began to write a welcome address for a few young Adults I was to meet with in the morning. When I was done at 3:15am, I decided to go through my notes on the tablet and then I began to clean up by deleting old and unnecessary stuff.

As I cleaned up, I came across my 40th birthday plan.

When I turned 40, I had a breakfast meeting with 40 ladies. The idea was to rub minds and share with each other. All went south for me when we were on the second agenda for the day.

The feelings game was an avenue for everyone to share something with the group. Before the game started, a variety of sweets were passed around and each sweet had a question. The rule was to share based on the sweet (question) you picked. Somewhere, somehow, along the way, the game got lost. People began to get up and focus on me. “Mimi did this for me one time”, “Mimi is this to me”, “Mimi is that”… It seemed like it would never end, and because I don’t handle praise too well, I began to cry and the tears refused to stop. The entire morning just seemed to follow in that line. I began to ask myself if I had sent out a silent vibe. I began to question the whole thing. Did they think I asked them to come so that they could say good things about me?

I cried so much, people began to question the tears. I began to feel out of place. I’m ashamed to say today, that I escaped and disappeared immediately after the photographs.

A friend asked a year later why I had cried like that, I explained that the praises and attention were too much for me and that hadn’t been the plan for the day. She didn’t quite understand and so I didn’t bother to try to explain.

Today, 2 years and 8 months later, I finally feel better and able to tell the story.

My 40th birthday Breakfast meeting didn’t go as planned but I sure learned plenty from that day. At least I know what not to do if there’s a next time and I’m sorry to say this; I know who not to invite.

Knowing me, knowing you

A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my older sister and at some point in that conversation, I tried to say a few things to her and in the process I got misunderstood somehow. Trying to explain my point left me a bit distraught and then of course teary. The more I opened my mouth to speak, the more I teared up. I need to add, that isn’t unusual at all. That is typical Mimi.

Now, the issue was that my sister became shocked and might I say, upset. She told me she didn’t expect tears and she was beyond shocked, as our conversation didn’t warrant any tears.

I’ve spent almost forty eight hours thinking about this. I have wondered how she never knew this about me. Then it hit me, we have never had a conversation where my emotions were spread out on the table. I realized that when I am with her, I always try to be a strong pillar for her, hiding any issues or problems, if I had them. I have always felt she didn’t need to add my own worries to hers.

My mind began to wander, wondering how many people really knew the people around them or what they were capable or incapable of, what they like or don’t like, what scares them and what makes them happy.

Do people know that I can’t bear to watch a traumatic news item or movie? Haunts me for days. Do they know that a romcom book or movie can completely reset a bad day for me? Do they know that I love it when people are happy and it breaks my heart when I see someone hurting?Does anyone know that I bother myself about the most trivial issues? worrying that I’ve upset someone about this or that? Do they know, that at the slightest sign of conflict, my heart begins to beat faster that usual?I guess not…

My question is, are we to tell people about ourselves and make them aware of who we are or do they get to find out as we get to know each other and as the bond thickens?

If we don’t let them know, we can’t blame them when they appear not to know. Right?

Weepy

Ruby (CODA) & Marisol (The Man Called Otto)

I admit. I’m a weepy person when I get emotional.

Especially with movies.

A few months ago, I heard myself scream in between sniffles “Mimi do you always have to cry like that?”

It was 3am on an insomniac night and I had just finished up the movie CODA.

I think cry is a subtle way of putting it, I literally sobbed that early morning.

It was just as I reached for the tissue to blow my nose again today that I realised A Man Called Otto had that same effect CODA had on me.

I won’t write a review on any of them, they are worth more than just a few words.

I am recommending these two movies.

CODA Children of Deaf Adults – [Marlee Matlin] – Ruby gave a stellar performance.
A Man Named Ottto – [Tom Hanks] – The character Marisol really touched my heart.

I hope you love them like I do and I hope they make you feel.

Pensive

My husband walked into the kitchen as I peeled potatoes this morning… “why the serious face?” he asked.

I pointed to my phone and he bent and read something I had just paused to type in my notes;

 When you find your voice, be patient with those who have not.

I had been pondering on how we suddenly become impatient with people the moment we find “the truth” or “Our Voice” . We begin to pressure others to join us in this newness. We tend to forget that it took us a while to get there ourselves.

I think we all reach these levels of newness in different periods/areas in our lives.
Sometimes we are able to because we really desire to. Sometimes it is because of our preexisting beliefs or even our temperaments.

If you are bold and confrontational for instance, you will have no issues with learning to speak up every/anytime, especially in dicey situations, even when it seems like you are not expected to.

If however you are like me, reserved with a phobia for confrontation, that may be the last option that will come to mind; speaking up in a dicey situation.

I feel it’s quite insensitive to be inpatient with others who have not found their voices or their guts.

The truth is, they may never find it… Not because they don’t want to or that they cannot… Some things aren’t always as plain as they seem.

I will like to steal from Su’eddie what I just learned from what he learned from our Uncle Charles;


 
We may all need to key into our emotional intelligence and also be understanding and patient.

Grieving Never Ends

A few days ago, it was the remembrance of my late uncle’s passing. It had been a very painful death… The fact that he died and the way he died… All painful.

To add an insult unto the injury, someone thought it would be a good idea to create a post with gruesome images of the incident… Somehow, the entire family got to see this post. This brought so much sadness to all… A few actually cried.

Almost everyone I know has lost a loved one and we all know how much it hurts. Often, when time passes, we assume that we have all grieved and have moved on… This isn’t true.

We must continue to live life, we learn to wake up and put on a bold act and go about our lives… Then we get used to doing it easily and time continues to pass. The truth remains, in our alone time, we remember. We miss them and sometimes we even reminisce. We look back and sometimes we still hurt.

We continue to grieve. But we must continue to live. So it appears as though we have stopped grieving.

Grieving never ends.

We must be sensitive to EVERYONE who has lost someone. Even if this person was a mutual “someone” . We mustn’t assume that everyone is at the same phase of grief as we are. We all grieve differently.

Today, I am sending a purple heart to everyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. May you find strength to keep keeping on as you remember them and especially on the dates they passed.

BEING THE BIGGER PERSON

This is one topic I have always thought deeply about.

At one point or another in our lives, we all get hurt; we all get angry and want to say hurtful things back at the person who has hurt us, we all feel we are being mistreated or betrayed. Sometimes we may have heard that a dear friend is saying hurtful things about us or they may even hurt us in our faces. In our homes, children will get upset by their parents, parents will be annoyed by their children… a wife’s “big mouth” will say regrettable things to her husband and a husband will say the most offensive things in return and it goes on and on and on and on.

In these situations, it is my opinion that there always has to be the bigger person. Being the bigger person doesn’t mean the other person is bad and then you are good. Being the bigger person only means you possess certain qualities and capabilities that he/she doesn’t possess. Being the bigger person strengthens you and your qualities and then maybe, just maybe, it MIGHT help the other person realise they didn’t have to be mean or offensive and then subsequently, the may handle situations better.

In a situation where it is clear that a person wants to pick a fight with you deliberately (and in this case, I will without apologies refer to the other person as the bad person), it is very important to know that you should never talk back to that person. When you talk back to a person, you have stooped to his/her level and you will definitely regret getting into it with them.

Being the bigger person is really hard, especially if you got some pride going there, and who doesn’t? One thing that stops us from taking the position of the bigger person is because in many conflicts, everyone seems to be the wronged and not the wrong one. No one wants to be honest. Sometimes I tell myself; “it doesn’t matter if you are the wronged, just be the bigger person”. The battle goes on within me and I hope you know, most of the time I don’t listen to me. It’s a WIP and I know I will get there one day.

The major way to be a bigger person is by admitting you are wrong and then apologizing – this of course is when you are wrong; but in a situation where you are not wrong and find yourself in a heady situation, the one and major quality you need to have is self control. This isn’t easy and if I may add, exercising self control with a difficult/challenging person is exceptionally difficult.

Another thing that can help is being positive. Seeing the positive side of every situation could play a very important part. When I apply positivity in being the bigger person, it’s usually with the 90/10 principle in mind. Since the day I found out about the principle I like to keep it handy. It helps with my self control.

What is the 90/10 principle? That’s another topic altogether. I think I should write about it some other time.

…this thought (being the bigger person) has been on my mind for a long while so I don’t think I should talk about it all in one day… to be continued.

Shush

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

I could hear the baby crying. Everyone within a hundred yards could hear the baby cry…but it was not the sound of the baby’s crying that irritated me, it was the mothers words. She kept repeating the words “shut up, it’s okay”.

Shut up? How were the words supposed to comfort and calm the crying child?

I find it very rude and uncaring to use the phrase. And I have heard people say it to others a lot. Often, they mean no harm…but I don’t think it is harmless. There may be different ways to tell a person to stop speaking but I don’t think ‘shut up’ should be our first choice.

Even though it’s not a word, ‘shut up’ is one phrase I believe should be kept under lock and key because we really do not know when to use it.

Heart Trade

Sell your heart to me

It’s much stronger.

Or could it be for free? Could I afford it.

Give your heart to me.

Mine is too fragile.

Maybe there is no need to give me the whole.

Give me a piece. I will add it to mine.

Then, I will have a stronger heart.

Then, I will handle things as easily as you do.

Give your heart to me… I think I need it more than you do