Tag: feelings

Remembering 40

I found myself turning at about 2:00am last night. The power was out and the heat was unbearable. After tossing for another 30 miuntes, I gave up. I picked up my tablet and began to write a welcome address for a few young Adults I was to meet with in the morning. When I was done at 3:15am, I decided to go through my notes on the tablet and then I began to clean up by deleting old and unnecessary stuff.

As I cleaned up, I came across my 40th birthday plan.

When I turned 40, I had a breakfast meeting with 40 ladies. The idea was to rub minds and share with each other. All went south for me when we were on the second agenda for the day.

The feelings game was an avenue for everyone to share something with the group. Before the game started, a variety of sweets were passed around and each sweet had a question. The rule was to share based on the sweet (question) you picked. Somewhere, somehow, along the way, the game got lost. People began to get up and focus on me. “Mimi did this for me one time”, “Mimi is this to me”, “Mimi is that”… It seemed like it would never end, and because I don’t handle praise too well, I began to cry and the tears refused to stop. The entire morning just seemed to follow in that line. I began to ask myself if I had sent out a silent vibe. I began to question the whole thing. Did they think I asked them to come so that they could say good things about me?

I cried so much, people began to question the tears. I began to feel out of place. I’m ashamed to say today, that I escaped and disappeared immediately after the photographs.

A friend asked a year later why I had cried like that, I explained that the  praises and attention were too much for me and that hadn’t been the plan for the day. She didn’t quite understand and so I didn’t bother to try to explain.

Today, 2 years and  8 months later, I finally feel better and able to tell the story.

My 40th birthday Breakfast meeting didn’t go as planned but I sure learned plenty from that day. At least I know what not to do if there’s a next time and I’m sorry to say this; I know who not to invite.

A Wish

Coincidence? I think not

Everywhere I go, I see it, I hear it

Spoken in whispers

and some in loud speakers

Messages and songs, saying the same thing

Over and over

Repeating the word: Forgiveness

Quoting the words that say seventy times seven

Why do I feel like a mess?

I thought I had dealt with that…

So why does it feel like I haven’t?

Could it be a scar?

Sitting there, to remind me, so I don’t forget.

Yes, lest I get wonded again.

The marks humans leave are too often scars.

Same humans who probably never meant to

Or maybe they did

Now all I have is a wish

That these scars don’t get my heart marred

I guess I will just wish upon the stars

This post is for W3 prompt #148. I've been working on this one and it just fit into one of the quotes. I hope you enjoy it.

W3 Prompt #148: Wea’ve Written Weekly

Daddio

I had a little thought and I risked waking my husband up just to scribble it down.

“what’s going on” he says when I turn on the lights in the bedroom at 11:34pm, just twenty six minutes to midnight, I should be asleep… It is Monday in the morning after all…another new week for the hustle and bustle.

…but I sit up and I’m writing this.

Earlier in the day I had a conversation with my cousin. She wanted to know if she should see the movie I had just put up on my WhatsApp story.

Her exact words were “Is it a must watch?”

I’m going to say exactly what I told her:

“It Depends…I loved the chemistry between the characters…it wasn’t romantic but they clicked.
The conversation is top notch.
The expressions are on another level…they take you deep into their thoughts with them.
It’s just the two of them…
…No one else…
1 hour and 39 minutes.
Sean Penn and Dakota Johnson.
I love it”.

We talk a bit more and she wants to know:

“Do I need a drink for it?
Do the girls need to be sleeping to concentrate?”

She’s got two girls under ten years of age.

I tell her “You don’t necessarily need a drink… but it’s not a bad idea…and yeah, you need full focus…no distraction….some of the stuff they talk about may get you thinking about some of your own stuff and decisions”.

It sure got me thinking about my relationship with my dad…and a few other stuff…

This is more or less a review of the movie Daddio.

I’m a lover of movies with conversations…so you bet I love this one. It’s a beautifully written script.

It left me with a lot of questions though, and no answers …I guess we can’t always have the answers to our questions… life’s questions.

Knowing me, knowing you

A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my older sister and at some point in that conversation, I tried to say a few things to her and in the process I got misunderstood somehow. Trying to explain my point left me a bit distraught and then of course teary. The more I opened my mouth to speak, the more I teared up. I need to add, that isn’t unusual at all. That is typical Mimi.

Now, the issue was that my sister became shocked and might I say, upset. She told me she didn’t expect tears and she was beyond shocked, as our conversation didn’t warrant any tears.

I’ve spent almost forty eight hours thinking about this. I have wondered how she never knew this about me. Then it hit me, we have never had a conversation where my emotions were spread out on the table. I realized that when I am with her, I always try to be a strong pillar for her, hiding any issues or problems, if I had them. I have always felt she didn’t need to add my own worries to hers.

My mind began to wander, wondering how many people really knew the people around them or what they were capable or incapable of, what they like or don’t like, what scares them and what makes them happy.

Do people know that I can’t bear to watch a traumatic news item or movie? Haunts me for days. Do they know that a romcom book or movie can completely reset a bad day for me? Do they know that I love it when people are happy and it breaks my heart when I see someone hurting?Does anyone know that I bother myself about the most trivial issues? worrying that I’ve upset someone about this or that? Do they know, that at the slightest sign of conflict, my heart begins to beat faster that usual?I guess not…

My question is, are we to tell people about ourselves and make them aware of who we are or do they get to find out as we get to know each other and as the bond thickens?

If we don’t let them know, we can’t blame them when they appear not to know. Right?

Loved and blessed

I remember when I was totally driven by everything that happened around me.

One bad event could dictate my mood for weeks.

In 2019 I went for a sisters vacation with my siblings and one of the souvenirs I cherished was a mug with the inscription ‘loved’. For some reason, it comforted me through a bad experience that occurred just as I returned from the trip.

Earlier in the year, I shared how my friend Helen the Wonder woman had given me a mug with ‘blessed’ written on it. I loved it so much. I even cringed sometimes when my husband used it. I’m not much of a sharer.

These two mugs broke. Not on the same day…but

… What thrilled me with the breaking is how I cleaned up and said the words ‘I am still loved’ and ‘I’m blessed to have received this from Helen’.

I know me… A few years ago, I would have had a mood for days…feeling less loved or not so blessed.

I’m glad that I’m grown up enough… Not by age but in mindfulness….to know that I’m loved and blessed no matter what.

What a Mess

“I can’t tell why you are so much in my heart”.

Stephen felt so sorry for Lina. She seemed irritated and frustrated at the same time.

You could tell she was sick and tired of trying to understand how he got into her heart and how she couldn’t get rid of him

He knew exactly what she meant by that. It was the same puzzle in his heart.

Why and how did one person steal your heart and your mind too… Leaving you with nothing to do about it?

The problem was, even if he knew what she meant, he didn’t feel the same way about her.

He knew what she meant because it was the same way he felt about Tatyana. Sad part was, Tatyana didn’t feel the same way he felt for her.

He yearned for Tatyana… Just the way Lina yearned for him.

The heart is just a fool…and it drags the mind with it.

Just Feel it.

I listened to a song and I got sad. Very sad.

My friend Jessica couldn’t understand why it got to me that way.

“It’s just a song” She said.

No, it’s not just a song. It’s someone’s thoughts in words about how they feel but with instruments, making music. Music for you… The listener.

That’s the purpose… for you to feel what the composer/singer wants you to feel…and if you can, relate to it.

I feel it’s a waste of the creator’s efforts if we can listen to a song, read a book or see a movie and just move on like that, or just say “it’s just a song/movie/book”


Sometimes I have the effect of a movie stay with me for weeks after I’ve seen it; lingering, giving me goosebumps and sending my mind deep into thought.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I sat down one evening for a movie. We got to a thrilling part of the movie and we were all very tense. The hero had to cross a very damaged and crumbling bridge.

The whole family had been watching with fear and trembling when suddenly my dad said; “Relax, why are you all so bothered? They will cross just as the scriptwriter wrote it”.

He hadn’t been bothered at all, to him it was just a movie… And it’s like that for some people as well. Yeah. I’ve met them.

I have also met and know a few people who feel it just like I do and I love taking a moment to share these feelings with them.

Just when I was trying to round up this post, I got a message from my cousin Su’eddie.

He shared a song with me and how it made him very melancholic…I listened and I felt the exact same melancholy, especially at the last verse.

I love that I get to feel it. The music. The books. The movies.

Su’eddie’s song: Will the Circle be Unbroken

Sung by several singers including Kenny Rogers, Randy Travis and Shelby Lynne

My sad song: Tennessee Numbers

Morgan Wallen

Pensive


My husband walked into the kitchen as I peeled potatoes this morning… “why the serious face?” he asked.

I pointed to my phone and he bent and read something I had just paused to type in my notes;

 When you find your voice, be patient with those who have not.

I had been pondering on how we suddenly become impatient with people the moment we find “the truth” or “Our Voice” . We begin to pressure others to join us in this newness. We tend to forget that it took us a while to get there ourselves.

I think we all reach these levels of newness in different periods/areas in our lives.
Sometimes we are able to because we really desire to. Sometimes it is because of our preexisting beliefs or even our temperaments.


If you are bold and confrontational for instance, you will have no issues with learning to speak up every/anytime, especially in dicey situations, even when it seems like you are not expected to.

If however you are like me, reserved with a phobia for confrontation, that may be the last option that will come to mind; speaking up in a dicey situation.

I feel it’s quite insensitive to be inpatient with others who have not found their voices or their guts.


The truth is, they may never find it… Not because they don’t want to or that they cannot… Some things aren’t always as plain as they seem.

I will like to steal from Su’eddie what I just learned from what he learned from our Uncle Charles;


 
We may all need to key into our emotional intelligence and also be understanding and patient.

Ease your mind

Everything can feel better when you talk to someone or when you write it down. It’s the reason I think diaries make the best reading materials.

I remember when Sandra lost her dad… Sandra is like a younger sister to me. The closest of many. She’s one to never show emotions. She didn’t cry, she remained strong and comforted her mum and sisters.

One weird day, she was acting up and I knew something was up. I cornered her and we got talking, real deep. Some where in this talk the dam broke. She talked a lot about how she missed her dad and how she couldn’t get to feel and experience certain things now that he was gone and how much it hurt.

At the end of it all, she expressed how she felt a lot better by merely talking about it.

Don’t always bottle up… Ease your mind every now and again… I promise you’ll feel ligher and better 🤞🏾