I don’t know if it’s just me, but, have you ever been in a situation where someone gets angry, says things that affect everyone around them, and then, a little while later, returns to their normal self as though nothing happened?
I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday, about how this happens, especially in families. One person’s anger can become the event everyone else must manage. Their behaviour changes the entire atmosphere, people become uncomfortable, words are exchanged, and an otherwise happy gathering suddenly becomes tense… So tense.
And then somehow, the person who was angry calms down, returns to their normal self, starts making conversations and jokes, and carries on as though everything is fine… Maybe for them, everything is fine.
But what about the people on the receiving end? What happens to the things that were said and the feelings they left behind?
Some of the questions I’ve been repeating in my head are; Is it possible that the person who spoke in anger barely remembers what they said or how strongly they said it? Do they remember being upset? Do they know the effect their words had on everyone around them?
The funny thing is that the person who was angry may wonder why everyone is acting differently… Why people are suddenly keeping their distance… Why nobody has made the effort to do what they would normally do.
Meanwhile, the people around them are wondering how someone can behave as though nothing happened.
I think one thing we sometimes fail to understand is that calming down is not the same as resolving an issue. The fact that someone is no longer angry doesn’t mean that the situation has been resolved for everyone involved.
Sometimes, people need to talk about what happened. They need an acknowledgement that certain words were inappropriate, or an opportunity to understand whether those words reflected genuine feelings or were simply spoken out of frustration.
Without that conversation, people can walk away from the same experience with completely different interpretations… That can be very sad. One person believes the matter is settled because the emotions have subsided while the other feels there is still something unresolved because nobody has addressed what happened.
I also wonder whether, in some families, we become so accustomed to managing one person’s moods that we begin to treat their anger as something everyone else must adjust to. This is also sad… When they are happy, things are fine. When they are upset, everybody becomes careful. People explain themselves, they start to avoid certain subjects, make compromises, or do whatever they can to restore peace.
I have so many questions: who takes care of the people who have had to make all those adjustments? Who considers their perspective? And who makes room for the possibility that one person’s return to normal does not automatically restore harmony for everyone else? Who? Who? Who?
The saddest and most difficult part is that the person who caused the tension may not even realise there is anything left to resolve. They may genuinely believe everything is fine because, from their perspective, the incident has passed.
I saw a line once and I think this is the right time to use it; the absence of anger is not necessarily the presence of peace.
Truth is, we all get angry sometimes. Most of us say things we might wish we had expressed differently… But relationships cannot depend only on the person who was angry deciding when the matter is over. Everyone involved deserves a voice in how things are resolved. A voice.
If you happen to be a person who gets angry and uses your words as you wish, this is something worth thinking about and asking yourself: When I have calmed down after an argument, do I assume that everyone else is fine simply because I am?
As one of the people who always wants the reason for anger explained, careless words retracted or apologized for, and closure after a misunderstanding, I will finish up my musing with this:
Sometimes when somebody is quiet or withdraws after an argument, it is not necessarily because they are angry or want to prolong the argument. Sometimes, they are just taking time to understand what just happened, especially when there is no room for discussion.
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