Family – Page 2 – Mimi's Thoughts

Grief

When I was growing up, my family took many trips to my mother’s village home. We took these trips to go and lay some very close people to rest. My maternal family has lost so many people. If I were to make a list, we would have over 20 people on it, each death hitting harder than the last. We would cry, lay to rest and try to get on.

I never gave grief much thought till I lost a friend and then a cousin in the span of 1 month. Grief is hard. Grief is depressing. Grief is many things. One thing I know for sure is; grief is felt and expressed differently.

While I was trying to recover from the numbness of losing my friend, death hit my maternal family again. We lost our spice (story for another day). I watched everyone closely and realised everyone was grieving differently. Some of us spoke about her often with tears in our eyes, some of us remained mute and held back tears, some cried non stop, some refused to say her name or listen to anyone say her name… Everyone was hurting differently. One year after her death, everyone is still grieving… Most of us still don’t want to say her name, some of us think of her with a smile, some of us still cry… Grief never ends. It was on that day of her remembrance I wrote about the sad truth/fact I have come to accept, life goes on.

Things I have learnt in my grieving period:

Grief is normal.
We can’t dictate how a person should grieve.
There is no way around grief. You have to go through it to get out of it.
Grief will last as long as it wants to, you can’t force it to stop.
It is not predictable. It comes and it goes. Hits you at unexpected moments.
There is No shame in grieving.

I used to cry while listening to Drowning by Chris Young but now I even smile sometimes… Grief gets easier, it just rarely ends.

Enjoy life

Let your every day bloom and be bright like a daisy

Life is great. Even at the end of a bad day, we look forward to the next day because we know and hope deep down that the next day will be better. Everyone likes to quote “when there is life, there is hope” and it remains a fact. I feel that life can be better, if in addition to hoping that the next day be better, we add intentionality into making it better. In many situations this may not be easy but it is worth a try.

I’ll like to focus on intentionality in relationships. Relationships with our mothers, fathers, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, cousins and nibblings, mothers and fathers inlaw, sisters and brothers inlaw, friends, colleagues etc. One thing that helps us enjoy life and have great days for sure is the people around us and people who love us and also the people we love. No one is an island. That’s another fact… That is why I believe that one major thing we need to be intentional about is our relationships.

I’m not a clingy adult. Growing up in a large extended family and being the youngest, I used to be a clingy child, squeezing into people to sit and holding on to my older ones. I don’t know what happened along the way, I can only now describe myself as a “friendly” loner. I dare say, I grew up to realise that I was the last born at home only and not last born of the world. As an adult I have found myself building friendships and relationships but I never get clingy. I think I’m okay with that. However, I try to make sure that I maintain peace and love within these friendships and relationships. I may go long periods of time without reaching out to some, I may talk to some daily and some maybe weekly… But in my heart I make sure there aren’t any hanging ill feelings. I intentionally make sure of that.

I believe that, if for any reason someone is upset with me I should make atleast one effort to make things right. The hard part is the battle against pride, very very hard. I have seen my good intentions win the battle 90% of the time so I’m going to give myself a pat on the back.

The uncertainty of the where and when of the afterlife should be our driving force to do right by ourselves and others. I have chosen to continue to be intentional in my relationships and not only hope they get better. I hope we all do the same because life if great, life is meant to be enjoyed and to be enjoyed with loved ones.

All I want for Christmas

All over the world, Christmas is usually celebrated as a period of gift giving and receiving and a time for merry making. The 25th day of December is the generally accepted date. Christmas day is celebrated by Christians to mark the birth of Jesus Christ. Even people who do not believe in Jesus have continued to celebrate it as a cultural holiday. Children grow up, knowing that they will definitely get gifts at Christmas time.

A few days ago, my son SonTer did something that got me playing Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. I played it so much, I started to ask myself if it had become my favourite Christmas song. My favourite Christmas song has and I think will always be ‘O Holy Night’. It gets me everytime, no matter how many renditions of the song I hear.

… Back to SonTer, he had been having a hard time falling asleep, as usual… He’s got a wandering mind too, like his mum. I had sent him to bed but about 30 minutes later he knocked on my bedroom door and asked if he could write his Christmas list. I convinced him to go back and try to fall asleep and promised him we would write the list together in the morning.

Bright and early the next day, SonTer presented his list.

Yoyo
Christmas hat
A Christmas mug
A Christmas family photo

“This is what I want for Christmas” was what he said. I looked at his list and my heart melted. I am not sure what I expected but it definitely wasn’t what he was asking for. That was when the first line of the song ( I don’t want a lot for Christmas) came to mind and I’ve been playing it since then.

When he gave the list to his dad, I could see he was as surprised as I was. We wasted no time. It’s 5 days to Christmas and we are ready. SonTer’s list has been handled appropriately and we can’t wait to give him all he wants for Christmas.

After all, he is all I want for Christmas.

I think of you (Part 1)

A couple of days ago, I got up a little earlier than I had planned to, so I decided to snooze a little. My husband was awake of course… He doesn’t sleep much, so i asked him what the time was and if he could wake me up after 15 minutes. He told me it was 6:47am. I couldn’t sleep anymore.

If ever I catch the time at 6:47, morning or evening, I think of my cousin Imoter… And so on that day, that morning, I didn’t fall asleep anymore, my mind went to my cousin and then moved on to several other connected things, just because it was 6:47am.

I’ve always marveled at how the mind works, how you can just think of a person immediately you hear, see or do a thing that your brain has linked to that person. I also marvel at how you can start thinking what you are going to have for breakfast and less than a minute later, you find out you have wandered to just about anything at all. That’s what happened that morning. I started with Imoter and my mind wandered so far I lost any desire to sleep at all. This happens a lot, I always envy people who can just fall asleep with no problem at all.

Imoter went to school at the Ahmadu Bello University Zaria at the same time with my eldest sister. The school did not permit male students visiting female students in their rooms, so whenever he or any male wanted to see a female student, they would just shout out the room number. My sister Dough was at some point in block 6, room 47. So, the number 647 had to be called out loud enough to be heard. When they came back home for the holidays, Dough told us all how everyone in her hostel always knew when it was Imoter out there and then she mimicked his slow and sad “647” and that was that.

It’s been over 20 years, and there isn’t a time when I don’t think of Imoter when I see a number 647 or I catch the time at 6:47.

I don’t see him very often, sometimes maybe once a year. I rarely call him, but I can say one thing is certain, bro. I think of you… Very often.

A good old thing

When I was 19 years old (20 years ago) I bought 2 pieces of clothing. One was a dress that can be worn by a 2 to 3 month old baby girl, the other was a unisex pinafore jumpsuit for a 6 to 10 month old baby. I bought it for myself, for when I would have my own children. I didn’t have any children till I turned 31. I have a son, he used the pinafore jumpsuit when he was old enough to. It gave me joy to see my wish come true. I still have the dress.

The interesting part of the story is how those two pieces of clothing have become something I will always think about with a smile. In less than a year after I bought them, my eldest sister had a baby girl and I loaned the dress to her. I could have given it to her completely but I didn’t have the heart to let the dress go… besides, Suur (her daughter) would definitely outgrow it and she wouldn’t have use for it anymore… And so as soon as it didn’t fit anymore, I took it back and kept it safely.

Subsequently, my other sisters had 2 children each. The girls used the dress and the boys used the pinafore jumpsuit.

Recently I had a reason to remove the pinafore jumpsuit from storage, it is currently being used by an adorable little boy… He is very much like a son to me.

The pinafore jumpsuit and it’s current owner 😁❤️

I’ve found that I love to keep some stuff to remember loved ones by. One example is a cardigan and blanket my sister Dough brought back from university in 1998. At this point I don’t know if she gave it to me or if she just left or forgot them at home when she got married but that blanket and cardigan make me feel close to her and so I kept it. I can only imagine her shock when she realises they still exist.

I love to de-clutter a lot, but there are a few items I have a hard time throwing out, for example, I kept my husband’s cummerbund from our wedding for my son, I don’t know what use it will be when he is old enough to use it… But I would like him to have it.

Overtime I have come to realise that the older I get, the more I cherish old things that come with good stories. I sure still love new stuff but the joy of having antiques, especially the ones I have had a part in creating makes me get a feeling I cant even describe.

Mummy… Hug

I’m a big fan of small crowds. Very funny right? Yes, small crowds. What’s a small crowd by my standards? I come from a family of 7, mum, dad and 4 siblings. However, it was never just 7 of us living together. We always had extended family and sometimes friends and even paid help living in the same house with us. I can confidently say we were never less than 15 people under the roof of our small 3 bedroom flat. It never felt crowded at all. Never. We enjoyed different activities together, we ate together, we worked together. My mom was big on neatness and cleanliness so the ‘work together’ part was very important. Gradually everyone grew up and we’ve all gone our separate ways but we are still closely knit together. My siblings and I keep in touch and talk almost everyday, and it’s the same for the others… Terhemen, Moses, Esther, Angor, Terhemba, Saalu, Imoter, Shimayam and so many more. Every now and again I find myself craving small gatherings like the environment I grew up in. I find joy in small friendly crowds of 10 or so.

In this big love we shared and still share,We didn’t hug. No, we didn’t. My family wasn’t (and still isn’t) a hugging family. This didn’t mean we didn’t love each other, I guess we just expressed our love in other ways, hugging wasn’t just one of the ways. We were more into loud hailings and high fives… Yeah. I never gave it a thought or see anything wrong with it till I grew up and started mixing up with other humans. I’ve learned that people have different ways of expressing love and affection. I also think it’s a learned behaviour. You are either born that way or you learn it from people around you.

My 8 year old is a complete hugger. He can just walk up to me and hug or when I’m busy and can’t see him coming for a hug, he just alerts me by saying “mummy, hug”. I think he has made me more open to others. Lately I’ve found myself hugging family and friends before thinking about it…that’s new. I think I like it. I feel less rigid.

Sunday vibes

My son and I have a routine. Every Sunday, after church we go to Katsina-Ala Street to buy stuff we may need for the week from Ifeanyi. We started this a few years ago and it became a normal thing. Even on some Sundays when we skip service for one reason or the other, we would always drive out later to Ifeanyi’s shop on Katsina-Ala Street to do the usual.

Most people usually stock up on snacks for their kids for months but my son isn’t a one brand guy. He may want caprisone this week and next week it will be Fanta, the next week it could be sprite. That’s where the weekly stocking up came from. I’ve grown to enjoy the Sunday trips, SonTer has too. However, today I went alone and I went very early. SonTer decided to stay home with his daddy because it’s Father’s day and also because I wasn’t going back home after the restocking trip. My mother in-law needed to prepare some food for some guests so I was going to stop over for a few hours and give her a helping hand.

Like I said, I went to Katsina-Ala Street too early. Ifeanyi’s shop was locked but his neighbour across the road was open. His neighbour is someone I used to shop with, a long time ago… I stopped shopping there because Ifeanyi attends to me from my vehicle but with the guy across, I would have to go into the shop. This was not convenient for me from the moment I had a baby. The stress of removing the baby from the car seat and putting him back was one I wasn’t ready to deal with all the time. Today, that baby is a big boy, he turned 8 yesterday, but I’m used to Ifeanyi’s services, but Ifeanyi wasn’t here yet. So I got out of the car and walked across the road to his neighbour’s shop.

Ifeanyi’s neighbour is a fat short dude in his 50’s. He’s friendly and likes to chat a lot. Today he asked about my son, he asked how old he was and I told him he had just turned 8 years old the previous day. He marveled at how time flies and asked why I hadn’t had another child. I told him it was because I had not been given one by God. He told me to believe and that God would give. I smiled and thanked him. I bought all I had gone there to buy and just as I was leaving he said “make you try reduce your size too, maybe pikin go come”. On that note I said goodbye. I don’t think I will be shopping with Ifeanyi’s neighbour anymore. I don’t take comments on my weight lightly. Especially when I have just made remarkable progress in weight loss.

As I walked to my car. I saw Ifeanyi opening his shop. I noted the time. Now I know when he opens on Sundays.

Happy birthday Asomy

You would have been 43 years old today. I hope you are dancing up there in heaven because I know that’s exactly what you would have been doing here by now. When you left us and I went searching for words and quotes of consolation, I found one that couldn’t have said it any better. It started “a limb has fallen from the family tree”. You see, when you left, that’s how it felt. You were a very vital limb, you held most of the tree together.

I have been struggling with words to say or write to you, to express exactly how I have been feeling since you left. Words to help with a little relief… the words refuse to come. You see, I found out a while ago that when I write, I feel better or might I say, lighter. Also, I wanted to write because we all know how much you loved to read, so I told myself writing was another way to express how I feel about your absence, perhaps you would read it. I tried to compare your absence with the absence of a vital spice in a meal but I couldn’t find the right spice to describe you for whatever meal I thought about. You weren’t one spice, you were a combination of many spices.

Asomy, since you’ve been gone, we have been missing you. Everyone seems to be handling it differently, I guess we are all different. While some of us may try to mention you fondly in some memories, some of us can’t keep it together when your name or anything about you is brought to remembrance. I have learned, people handle grief in different ways. I also learned that it doesn’t get easier with time, people just learn to handle it better.

Asomy, since you’ve been gone, I fight a battle of words within me everyday. You see, I was grieving the loss of my friend when you left, I got a double blow and it really hurt. I tell myself that you are both happy and in a better place and just when I think I’ve convinced myself, I begin to remind myself of how much it hurt. When will this battle within end? I hope it does really soon because I really believe you are in a better place, it only hurts to know you won’t be back… oh there I go again.

We love you. We will carry on family gatherings and togetherness just like you did.

I love you. I will always remember you.

Happy birthday over there.

Drink some air

My mum is one of the people who know how to actually care for themselves. Most of the people in the world, myself included, often neglect the fact that we have to care for ourselves. We often see the lack of things like money, time, space and a few other things as obstacles and hindrances. If I must be honest, I would say it is a lot easier to care for yourself with a little more money in your pocket and enough time on your hands, but my mum never let the lack of these things stop her. I never gave it much thought until yesterday. I gave it a lot of thought.

Some of her self care didn’t even require much. She had very simple activities that didn’t make any sense to me, but now, oh now I see. One particular activity she called ‘Ma ahumbe’, meaning ‘take some fresh air’ but translates directly as ‘drink air’. I liked this activity. I don’t know if it was always pre-planned or if it was usually spur of the moment but she would usually just say “se za ma nen ahumbe” which means “let us go and get some fresh air”. My memory is not so clear on the ‘us’ but one person I know was always there with me is my immediate elder sister, we would get into the back seat of my mum’s Honda prelude and we would drive all around our town, for no reason at all. The fun part for us was how my mum would open the small rectangle on the roof of the car and let us put our hands through and feel the air. I didn’t know why she did it then but it was fun for me.

Yesterday I couldn’t leave my bed, I was resting because my body was not happy about the stress I had put it through at work for two straight days. My husband was out of town so it was just me and my son, SonTer. I stayed in bed from morning when I woke until about 4pm. I finished a novel I was reading and watched 2 cheesy romance movies. I was tired of resting, sadly but honestly, I don’t know how to rest… I am still coaching myself. I wanted to take a walk, but my body wasn’t up to it. I just lay there and let my mind wander around and tried to figure out what to do and then i decided to go for a drive, so I said to Son “se za ma ahumbe”. He had no idea what I said but he loves to go out and before I could get ready, he was at the door. We drove round the town, for one hour, for no reason.

I am 38 years old I was doing this for the first time and all I can say is, it was totally refreshing. I made sure the music wasn’t as loud as we usually play it so that we could talk. I pointed out things and explained things just like my mum used to. It was totally therapeutic. I felt like I hit a reset button. What made it much more beautiful was when SonTer said “mummy, thank you for doing this”.

I’m going over today to tell my mum “Thank you mummy for doing it for me”.

I love who he is

The world has a population of over 7 billion People, each one of us different from the other. The differences including obvious things like race, skin colour, language, height, weight and so on. Some times the difference between one person and the other can be very little things, take a set of identical twins for example. They could be similar in every physical detail but could be very very different when it comes to their temperament, sound of their voices, their taste in clothes or food, level of intelligence and so on.

In our home, it’s just me, my husband – Terver and my son – SonTer. The 3 of us are so different, each person having their different favourite things, temperaments, foods and so on. We have similar ideas, TV shows and other stuff but you can see that we are all different. SonTer is 7 years old and the older he gets, the more I notice his qualities and traits. Sometimes I get tempted to praise, guide, judge or rebuke him based on what other kids his age may be doing or may have done. I try not to.

I remember one day, It was the week before the start of a new term. SonTer and I went from place to place within our town, Makurdi, to restock on a few things he would be needing come Monday at school. We did our usual singing in the car as we went around, making our stops at the supermarket, kiddies supply store and bookshop.

At the book shop I bought a number of pencils, erasers, sharpeners, crayons, pens, rulers and note books. For his class which is Primary 2, they have not begun the use of pens yet but he insisted on the pens and I bought them because he does all his drawings with pens. That’s what the note books were for too, drawing. I remember buying plain drawing books for him a couple of times, but no, he prefers to draw on a note book meant for writing.

On our way home I actually got really curious. I wondered how long our little purchase from the bookshop would last. I found myself saying the craziest things to him like “SonTer I want these things to to last atleast till the middle of the term… Bla Bla Bla”. He innocently promised they would. I knew they wouldn’t because I know what he can and cannot do.

Out of curiosity I decided to send a photo of the stationery to my family whatsapp group to find out how long their own kids would use that particular quantity. I smiled with each response. Some said their children would use it for about a week, some said 2 weeks but the one that really got me laughing was the one who said her kids would probably misplace them all on the first day.

I had already made up my mind that I would restock after 2 weeks and that’s exactly how long they lasted. I realised that I had already accepted this as normal because that is who he is, that’s how long he would use 6 pencils, 6 pens, 4 erasers, 4 pencil sharpeners, a pack of crayons, a bottle of glue, 3 rulers and 2 “drawing books”. I guess my dad taught me that. He would always say in my native dialect “i deen iyol aa anza ve” which translates to “let people be the way they are”.

The older SonTer gets, I find that I like who he is and who he is becoming. As a parent I am expected to guide him and I am doing my part but he seems to be doing me proud by just being himself.

Let us love people for who they are.

I don’t love SonTer only because he is my son, I love SonTer for who he is.