Grace

I think one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn is giving people grace.

I’ve sat through sessions and I’ve read books that teach about grace. I’ve listened to people talk about choosing grace over resentment. I even remember one session where I was encouraged to choose one person to give grace to… I chose my dad. It wasn’t easy, but I did. And somewhere along the line, it helped. It didn’t erase everything, but it helped me breathe a little easier.

But there’s something nobody really prepares you for… What do you do when you keep giving someone grace… and every single time you’re almost ready to believe things are changing, they go and break your heart all over again? Seriously, each time when it seems like you’re about to let them cash in on their grace, they just go and mess it all up again.

That’s the part I struggle with.

Because I don’t want to become bitter or to to be that person that keeps scores. I don’t want to be the person who gives up on people too quickly.

But I’m tired. I’m not angry. Just… tired.

It hurts when you keep making room for someone in your heart, and they keep reminding you why you closed that door in the first place.

And then I start questioning myself.

Am I not giving enough grace?
Or am I giving away pieces of myself that I should be protecting?

I honestly don’t know.

I still believe in grace.

I’m just having one of those days where it feels really, really expensive.

Author: Emaistace

wife, mom, sister, daughter, aunty, friend. writing my everyday thoughts as they pop up. View all posts by Emaistace