self care – Page 2 – Mimi's Thoughts

Story of my likes

Last week Tuesday, on the 23^rd day of August 2022, I turned 40 years old. For this milestone, I baked for myself a four tier cake; one tier for every decade.

I had made at least three different sketches of what I wanted the cake to look like and on the fourth sketch, I had just what I wanted. The cake was meant to be a combination of the things that make me happy.

To determine the components and to properly plan this cake, I had to go through my mind to find out exactly what makes me happy. Coincidentally, my pastor thought it was the best time to take a few weeks to teach on happiness, a topic he has never taught on before. I decided I was on the right track. Praise God.

What did I find? I found that I was usually happy when I knew I was in the right place with Jesus. That place where you are certain He is smiling at you and giving you a pat on the back. I also found that I am really happy when I know that He is in control and I have nothing to worry about in my mind and soul. I found that my heart literally swells when I feel His presence. I didn’t know how to put that on a cake. That was the moment I decided I would spend that day telling of the goodness of God in my life at a breakfast prayer meeting. I did and I enjoyed it.

What did I put on the cake? On the cake, I decided I would put up things that keep me going in this busy and tedious world we live in. The things that keep me going when I am stuck or when I need a push. Things that help me relax after a long hard day. I found five things; coffee, wine, books, music and motion pictures.

The cake

The Base: On this tier, I made four roll ups of some of my favourite motion pictures (films and series) like Seinfeld, The Office, Downton Abbey, The Big Bang Theory, Mamma Mia and lots more. On the body of this tier, I placed screenshot images of songs by Dierks Bentley, Maverick City Music, Elevation Worship, Brett Young and so many other lovely musicians.

The Second Tier: This tier displayed a few of my favourite books to appear as though they were on a shelf. My favourite book is The Purpose Driven Life.

The Third Tier: I made this tier in the shape of a barrel. I love to have a good glass of wine or whiskey at the end of the day, especially a very hard day. I think it is one of the reasons I love Olivia Pope.

The Top Tier: This, I made in the shape of a Nescafe coffee cup. It is how I start a good number of my days.

This is the story of my likes, crowned by Grace from my God. These are the things that keep me happy.

What are your likes? What makes you happy?

Social Media Fasting

One night, long after my son and I had said good night, I was all tucked up and ready for my movie for the night when he walked into my room. He asked if he could sleep in my bed. I said yes, but I also asked why. He told me he was afraid because of a story he had overheard me and some ladies discussing; about an incident that had gone viral on the blue app. I remembered immediately. I had been a bit shaken by that story myself.

He stayed with me and while he slept, I started to replay the discussion and I began to get upset with myself. I advised myself; I said I would cut down on my social media time because he is almost always with me. I started gradually, it was difficult in the beginning, but after a while it became easier.

Social media has proven to be a very important tool and medium for many of us. It has helped some of us reconnect and connect with school mates, family members, old and new friends and more. Social media has also helped many businesses and individuals move from zero to hero. It has also given a good number of people the opportunity to be heard.

In the same way that social media has helped many, it has also done a bit of harm to some.

Unfortunately, as we all know, bad is stronger than good. Bad has a way of swallowing the good and making it disappear. To prevent this with our social media activity, we must find a balance. It is not news that a balance in anything that we do is the key to a productive life.

If you have a healthy social media activity level and it does not affect your life in any negative way then you may have absolutely nothing to worry about. However, if at some point you feel that your social media time is affecting other areas of your life and encroaching into your productive time, preventing you from spending quality time with friends, family or in prayer, making you to feel sad or depressed because of negative news feeds or cyber bullying or making you feel less of yourself or if it simply just makes you sit and scroll for hours and do nothing then you may need to take a few measures to stop or control these negative effects.

One way to go about this is through a fast. Yes, you read me right. We generally know fasting is abstention from food and drink. Fasting has many other definitions but for the purpose of this piece, I will define fasting as a period of giving up food, drink and any other thing that could distract you and prevent you from focusing your thoughts on God and your spiritual growth for the period. This is a religious definition.

I have outlined a few steps and I believe that if you desire to cut back on social media or take a little break every now and again, these steps may be helpful to you.

Know exactly why you want to fast from social media: For every decision we make, there is always a reason. The first question you will have to answer before you begin your social media fast is the ‘why?’ in the decision. What prompted the decision? What do you plan to achieve at the end of the fast? Is it a one-time thing? Have a meeting with yourself and answer all the necessary questions before you begin as it is a personal conviction.
Set a specific duration for your fast: No matter what we do, it is always important to set a time frame to guide us. Durations for the fast could be 3 days, 7 days, 21 days, 40 days, 6 months or even a year, depending on how important your activities on social media are. For some business owners, bloggers or public figures, it may be important to take only short periods for the fast. However, you could still employ the use of social media handlers if it is very necessary for your social media presence to remain active but you really need a break from it.
Find and prepare substitute activities in advance: In order to successfully complete a fast, you will need to find an activity to replace the time you would usually spend on social media. You could decide to select a few books to read, find interesting things to watch on TV, take a few physical or online classes (gym, yoga, art etc.), games to play, schedule long walks or you could take the time to reorganize your space.
Journal the experience for future reference/appreciation: Putting down a few noteworthy thoughts and experiences during this period is important because it may serve as a guide and reminder for the next time we decide to do it again.
Decide how to go about it: Depending on the duration of the fast and the intensity, you will have to decide if you want to test your self-disciple and keep the apps on your phone and simply avoid opening them or if you want to completely delete them for the duration of the fast. This decision can only be made when you are honest with yourself.
Submit yourself to someone: This is a way of remaining accountable. Find a reliable friend or family member that can check on you for the duration and encourage you throughout your journey of abstinence.
Start your fast.

Just like any other thing we abstain from, it is likely that when we return to it, we may try to cover up for all the time we missed it. This then negates the entire purpose for which we started in the first place. The thing to always keep in mind is the reason we started in the first place.

Purpose is the watch word.

Caring Mothers Forum TTS

A couple of days ago, I was privileged to sit with some very awesome women and as we discussed, I was made to see a few things. These were not new things, it turns out that I already knew them, but I had never taken the time to appreciate them. As humans who often always feel entitled, it is very common to see an unusual thing as normal and probably even take it for granted.

In a couple of months, it would be exactly seven years since I dropped my son off at school, a school where I was given enough items myself as a new parent/mom. I was handed a bag with a few crested items in it; a Pink Tee shirt, a black baseball cap, a book; which I discovered to be a constitution, a lapel pin and a few other items. To cut this very long story short, I realised i had automatically become a member of a forum referred to as ‘Caring Mothers’.

The forum is probably one good thing i have always taken as normal and never really taken the time to appreciate. The forum holds meetings at least once every school term but because of the little percentage of asocial in me, it took me a little time warming up. I have spent the years meeting many women and some of us have become good friends because of our children. I know a few of us may have rubbed one another off the wrong way a couple of times but this has never affected the general gathering of these wonderful women.

Some Highlights of the Forum

Motivational, health and other talks: During meetings and some other events, a few moms get to share tips and ideas on the ‘how to’ of certain areas in life. Being a mom is not the easiest job in the world and can often get very stressful. These talks often help moms find a balance in their mental, financial, physical and social lives.

Christmas Party: One major highlight for me and I know a few other moms too is the yearly Christmas party. I remember gasping in shock when I saw a few moms dancing and having fun at my first Caring Mothers Christmas party. This party has a way of making you forget it all and have a really good time. It is such a great place to relax and unwind.

Inter House Sports Competition: Whenever the children have their Inter House Sports Competition, moms get to display their skills in some competitive activities. This event comes up once a year and it is always lovely and fun filled. The highlight of this event for me is always the March Past Parade; I have always been a sucker for Marching.

A few unofficial activities like the ability to sell our products to each other and also display them just outside the school compound has been a highlight for me and some moms, I have done some really good purchases there.
One major unofficial activity in this forum is the show of love between these moms, I have seen a number of times where a mom or two have assisted each other in tough and difficult times of lack, loss and even in joyful celebrations like births and birthday celebrations.

As a person who loves to see the good in everything first, I think it is safe to say that I love The Caring Mothers Forum of Towering Tots School and I have never seen anything like it or better.

Why can’t we all be the same? Part 1

I watched her over a period of time. She was always calm. Always put together. Never losing her cool. I never heard her raise her voice. I prayed to God to give me her grace and patience but some how it just did not work out.

I felt sad for my son and wondered if he would take offence when he grew older and remembered how my voice often hiked with any slight alteration in my “normal” life.

My neighbour is a beautiful young lady, I’m not sure how old she is, but I am certain I have got a good number of years on her. She moved in with her husband a couple of years ago after their wedding. A few months into their marriage, she became pregnant. We were told they were expecting triplets, I doubted it very much because her tummy almost never grew larger than a full meals’ bulge. Whether I believed it or not, the time came and she had triplets. All boys.

Whether you have had kids or not, we all know that along with the great joy that they bring, children come with a lot of change; schedules get turned upside down, sleep becomes a prize we look forward to and lots more.

As I write this, the boys are way over one year old and their mother (Martha) is still holding it together and being strong. I asked her at some point how she never looks overwhelmed by all of it, because I know I would… I have got just one, still I get frazzled quite often. She told me she has some alone quiet moments when she lets go and cries it all out. That comforted me for a bit, but something hit me. Her being calm and collected in the midst of it all did not mean she was not affected by it, it only meant that she decided not to let it affect how she handled the responsibility she had been saddled with. I took that lesson with me and I have been practicing a lot and failing some times, but like they say; practice makes perfect.

I certainly am not aiming for perfect, i just want a calm and happy spirit in my home in place of the dissatisfaction that comes with any “wrong move”.

I think God makes us different for His own reasons… but He made my neighbour different from me to allow me to learn her patience and calm. I am enjoying what i am learning. I appreciate the peace that comes with it

Am I abusing my strength?

Sometimes my strength annoys me. Especially today. Today, I’m very upset with my strength. I have had a very very busy week… so, today being a Saturday, I slept in till 8:30am and I woke up with the words; “today I’m not lifting a finger”. To that declaration, my husband said; “You need it babe, you rarely rest at all”.

So there I was, propped up in the living room because both my son and his dad were out of the house for a morning game of soccer. If you are a woman in my situation, you would know how valuable this is…having the men in your home out of the house 😁😁😁😁😁. I selected the right movie for the occasion, a cheesy romcom… nothing too serious to stress me. They hadn’t been gone 30 minutes when I got a call from someone I had been expecting to call with a job opportunity. His call said it was urgent and I had to meet up with him immediately. I did. Next thing I know, I am prepping for a job that will last atleast one week. I got home at 6:45pm. I was tired. The reasonable thing would have been to kick my feet up and sleep. Well, I didn’t.

I am writing this at 11:01pm. I’ve done a load of laundry, I’ve straightened the house and I have made dinner. I selected the movie ‘savannah’ and I was about to watch it when I realised I was being insane. I should be asleep, resting. Why and how I could still be up and about after the day I had was totally wrong. It’s wrong that I don’t let myself rest. My strength should not be abused. I’m here hoping I take my advice.

Rest

Rest can be productive

I belong to a closed motivational group of eight members; today, being the first day of the year, I asked if we had any goals I could key into. One of us said she planned to get pregnant, one said she planned to make more money and lose weight and another said she wanted to rest this year. Her exact words were; “I have stressed myself so much in the last 3 years, I just want to rest now”. I know a number of people who may say that isn’t productive. They could come up with reasons why rest can slow you down. I can take a wild guess and say that even she who plans to rest this year may have thought it a bad idea a couple of years ago. At that time, she may have need the stress to get her going, today she needs to rest to get her going. Life changes and we need to take decisions as it does.

Rest is when you cease to work or move in order to relax or sleep or recover your strength. So I believe the period of time needed for rest depends on how long it takes for you to recover your strength. Physical strength takes a shorter time to muster but when it comes to mental health, I believe one can and should take as long as they need.

Only this evening I was telling my husband how yesterday I was too tired to continue a daily online fitness class I had enrolled in online. After I had spent almost one hour talking myself into logging in, I finally did. I clicked on ‘Day 5’ and the words “REST DAY, Your body and muscles need to get some rest” popped on the screen. My jaw dropped in shock. Apparently, they have studied the program and they know that the average human would need to rest by day 5. I rested. Today, day 6, I faced it without any tiredness or reluctance.

It’s the first day of January in the year 2022. If you worked (physical or mental) hard in the previous year(s) and feel tired and you feel the need to take a rest, please do. The rest may be productive.

I plan to do a follow up on this about the importance of rest but in the meantime I will conclude with the words of Alan Cohen “there is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and over look neither”.

Sunday vibes

My son and I have a routine. Every Sunday, after church we go to Katsina-Ala Street to buy stuff we may need for the week from Ifeanyi. We started this a few years ago and it became a normal thing. Even on some Sundays when we skip service for one reason or the other, we would always drive out later to Ifeanyi’s shop on Katsina-Ala Street to do the usual.

Most people usually stock up on snacks for their kids for months but my son isn’t a one brand guy. He may want caprisone this week and next week it will be Fanta, the next week it could be sprite. That’s where the weekly stocking up came from. I’ve grown to enjoy the Sunday trips, SonTer has too. However, today I went alone and I went very early. SonTer decided to stay home with his daddy because it’s Father’s day and also because I wasn’t going back home after the restocking trip. My mother in-law needed to prepare some food for some guests so I was going to stop over for a few hours and give her a helping hand.

Like I said, I went to Katsina-Ala Street too early. Ifeanyi’s shop was locked but his neighbour across the road was open. His neighbour is someone I used to shop with, a long time ago… I stopped shopping there because Ifeanyi attends to me from my vehicle but with the guy across, I would have to go into the shop. This was not convenient for me from the moment I had a baby. The stress of removing the baby from the car seat and putting him back was one I wasn’t ready to deal with all the time. Today, that baby is a big boy, he turned 8 yesterday, but I’m used to Ifeanyi’s services, but Ifeanyi wasn’t here yet. So I got out of the car and walked across the road to his neighbour’s shop.

Ifeanyi’s neighbour is a fat short dude in his 50’s. He’s friendly and likes to chat a lot. Today he asked about my son, he asked how old he was and I told him he had just turned 8 years old the previous day. He marveled at how time flies and asked why I hadn’t had another child. I told him it was because I had not been given one by God. He told me to believe and that God would give. I smiled and thanked him. I bought all I had gone there to buy and just as I was leaving he said “make you try reduce your size too, maybe pikin go come”. On that note I said goodbye. I don’t think I will be shopping with Ifeanyi’s neighbour anymore. I don’t take comments on my weight lightly. Especially when I have just made remarkable progress in weight loss.

As I walked to my car. I saw Ifeanyi opening his shop. I noted the time. Now I know when he opens on Sundays.

Drink some air

My mum is one of the people who know how to actually care for themselves. Most of the people in the world, myself included, often neglect the fact that we have to care for ourselves. We often see the lack of things like money, time, space and a few other things as obstacles and hindrances. If I must be honest, I would say it is a lot easier to care for yourself with a little more money in your pocket and enough time on your hands, but my mum never let the lack of these things stop her. I never gave it much thought until yesterday. I gave it a lot of thought.

Some of her self care didn’t even require much. She had very simple activities that didn’t make any sense to me, but now, oh now I see. One particular activity she called ‘Ma ahumbe’, meaning ‘take some fresh air’ but translates directly as ‘drink air’. I liked this activity. I don’t know if it was always pre-planned or if it was usually spur of the moment but she would usually just say “se za ma nen ahumbe” which means “let us go and get some fresh air”. My memory is not so clear on the ‘us’ but one person I know was always there with me is my immediate elder sister, we would get into the back seat of my mum’s Honda prelude and we would drive all around our town, for no reason at all. The fun part for us was how my mum would open the small rectangle on the roof of the car and let us put our hands through and feel the air. I didn’t know why she did it then but it was fun for me.

Yesterday I couldn’t leave my bed, I was resting because my body was not happy about the stress I had put it through at work for two straight days. My husband was out of town so it was just me and my son, SonTer. I stayed in bed from morning when I woke until about 4pm. I finished a novel I was reading and watched 2 cheesy romance movies. I was tired of resting, sadly but honestly, I don’t know how to rest… I am still coaching myself. I wanted to take a walk, but my body wasn’t up to it. I just lay there and let my mind wander around and tried to figure out what to do and then i decided to go for a drive, so I said to Son “se za ma ahumbe”. He had no idea what I said but he loves to go out and before I could get ready, he was at the door. We drove round the town, for one hour, for no reason.

I am 38 years old I was doing this for the first time and all I can say is, it was totally refreshing. I made sure the music wasn’t as loud as we usually play it so that we could talk. I pointed out things and explained things just like my mum used to. It was totally therapeutic. I felt like I hit a reset button. What made it much more beautiful was when SonTer said “mummy, thank you for doing this”.

I’m going over today to tell my mum “Thank you mummy for doing it for me”.