children – Mimi's Thoughts

They’re Watching

They’re Watching… Even When We Think They Aren’t

Yesterday, I came across a video that got me thinking. It talked about how children don’t just listen to what we say, they watch how we live.

Honestly, I had to pause the video for a minute because I could relate so much.

One thing I became very intentional about years ago was telling unnecessary phone lies. You know the kind I’m talking about. “Tell them I’m not around.” “Tell them I’m sleeping.” “Say I’m not at home.”

They’re the little things we sometimes say without thinking much about them. But then when my son started to become aware of things, I realized he was always listening. Always.

So I stopped.

It wasn’t because I suddenly became perfect, it was because I didn’t want him growing up thinking that being dishonest was normal.

The funny thing is, he’s thirteen now, and if I accidentally say something that doesn’t quite add up, he’s quick to look at me like… “Mummy…” No long speech. No lecture. Just that look… And I immediately know I’ve been caught. He’s been doing this for many years now.

Children have a way of holding us accountable without even trying. This makes me realize that parenting isn’t just about teaching. It’s about demonstrating.

Our children are learning how to speak by listening to us. They’re learning how to treat people by watching us. They’re learning how to handle disappointment by seeing how we react. They’re even learning whether it’s okay to say “no” by watching us set or fail to set healthy boundaries.

That part really hit me.

Sometimes we say yes when we desperately want to say no because we don’t want to offend people. We overextend ourselves. We keep everyone happy while quietly becoming exhausted.

Our children notice that too.
I remember one day I let some people bully me and I ended up crying… A lot. I cringe every time remember, my son was there, he watched the whole thing. I’m glad I have since learned how to speak up for myself and say “no” when I have to.
If they grow up watching us constantly ignore our own boundaries, they may grow up believing that’s what kindness looks like.

It isn’t.

One of the healthiest things a child can see is a parent who can lovingly say,

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”… Without guilt or drama… Without feeling like the world will end.

Here’s something else I’ve learned first hand over the years. Our children don’t need perfect parents, they need honest ones.

Parents who can say, “I was wrong.” “I’m sorry.” “I’ll do better next time.” It teaches them far more than pretending we’ve got everything figured out.

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a life that matches our words as often as possible.

Are we going to get it right every single time? Of course not… But every day gives us another opportunity to model the kind of adults we hope they’ll become.

Because whether we notice it or not… They’re watching.

Three Friends

Do you remember your favorite book from childhood?

I didn’t have a favorite book.

My sister did.

And so I found myself picking it up everytime I went to the school Library.

I think she liked it because she was friends with two other girls and together they had a thing… Just like the book.

I hit the search for an image of this book today and I found it… but I was in doubt. There was a photo of two boys and a girl. I thought it used to be three girls.

I called my sister up immediately and she was shocked too. We both remembered it differently.

I sent her some photos I had found and she replied;

This page is so vivid like yesterday.

The mind of a child is so plain, I didn’t think much about the difference in the sex of the friends. I was just excited to read about them as I also was in a threesome friendship, some things come as we grow older
Msugh

Her favorite book became mine.

Three Friends – Montgomery, Baruch And Gray. 1944

Son’s Day Off

I am pretty firm with my son when it comes to enforcing morals and values.

I dare say I’m hard on him…I think I’m acting from a place of fear. Fear that he may miss it somehow. I think I know where this fear emanates from… Actually I know but it’s kind of personal.

As the years passed and it began to look like he may be an only child, I just knew I couldn’t relent on the matter.

Last night I told him I was giving him a day off. 😂

A day without any chores. A day where I wouldn’t double check anything he does. A day with no screen time limit and no strick bed time.

You see, for the rest of the world, children are celebrated on the 20th of November and also 1st of June in some countries. Here in Nigeria, children are celebrated on the 27th of May.

So today, I didn’t insist on dining table breakfast, I actually served him breakfast in bed. I plan to take him out to lunch and then order take-out for dinner. These are the kind of things he loves.

He turns 10 in a few weeks…double digits… Yaaaaaaaaaaay. I think I might just give him another day off then.

… But come tomorrow, everything goes back to normal. 😁

So, while my son is having a fabulous day, I wish all children do have their kind of fabulous day too.

Happy Children’s Day.

Silent whispers

Brian ran straight into his grandfather’s arms, shouting ;”Dadaaaaaaa”. Even at the age of 7, he had not progressed to calling him grandpa like his other siblings had, for him it was still Dada.

Abigail gave Dada a hug and sat across from him in his large and expensive office. Dada was her father inlaw but now it seemed like he was the father she never had.

Dada rose up and offered his seat to Brian and came to sit with Abigail on the other side of the desk. Abigail didn’t like the former action.

“Don’t make him sit in your chair. He may think it’s okay to sit in any chair wherever he goes. Remember what the Bible says in Luke 14:10‭-‬11;*

But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

“Well, he needs to know he cant limit himself to what people say he can’t get. He needs to learn to be bold and courageous enough to aim for and take what he wants” is what Dada had to say in response.

They argued for almost 30 minutes, the whole time, Brian sat comfortably in Dada’s chair, swinging from left to right and right to left as he played a game in Dada’s phone.

Abigail gave up arguing and whispered a prayer to God; ” No matter what he is taught Lord, help him to be able to discern between good and evil, right and wrong.

Tamed by age

Mimi stop that… Mimi don’t do that…Mimi why did you do that?

It was always one thing or the other.

One time it was a bead, passed through my nostril, my mom had to rush me to the clinic. I don’t know how but thank goodness it eventually passed through the northern end.

Another time, when I was four years old, my mom and I had to spend weeks at the hospital… I had successfully burnt my right thigh with a flask of boiling water.

Of all my wild adventures, one that always gets me is the look on my dad’s face when he came home one day found me on top of a hinged door.

The one that scared me the most was when I got stuck in a mango tree with a monkey who seemed to be out for revenge because I and the neighbourhood kids used to make fun of him.

At 40, I wonder where this wild child is.

Do I miss her? I am not so certain.

Do I like who she was, oh yes I do. She was wild and free.

But for the way I drive, I think everything else about the child seems to have been tamed with age.

Play time

“Let’s go into the field and play”. I heard one of the school children say to another one evening when i went to pick my son up from school.

“That would be a good idea”, I thought to myself. I got out of my car and I hopped along with the kids as they ran into the field to play. They were in several small groups of same age and some of same sex, they played different games and ran all over the large football field.

I kicked my slippers away and jumped up and down with reckless abandon. It felt so good to be free and happy like the children. It had been such a long time. I envied the kids, i started to wish I could do this again.

“Mummy SonTer, mummy SonTer, ah, mummy SonTer”. Someone was calling out to me, I felt a light tap on my hand and when I turned to look at the person who had been trying to get my attention, I realised it had all been in my head. I had been sitting in my car all the while, wishing I was out in the field, playing with the children.

Caring Mothers Forum TTS

A couple of days ago, I was privileged to sit with some very awesome women and as we discussed, I was made to see a few things. These were not new things, it turns out that I already knew them, but I had never taken the time to appreciate them. As humans who often always feel entitled, it is very common to see an unusual thing as normal and probably even take it for granted.

In a couple of months, it would be exactly seven years since I dropped my son off at school, a school where I was given enough items myself as a new parent/mom. I was handed a bag with a few crested items in it; a Pink Tee shirt, a black baseball cap, a book; which I discovered to be a constitution, a lapel pin and a few other items. To cut this very long story short, I realised i had automatically become a member of a forum referred to as ‘Caring Mothers’.

The forum is probably one good thing i have always taken as normal and never really taken the time to appreciate. The forum holds meetings at least once every school term but because of the little percentage of asocial in me, it took me a little time warming up. I have spent the years meeting many women and some of us have become good friends because of our children. I know a few of us may have rubbed one another off the wrong way a couple of times but this has never affected the general gathering of these wonderful women.

Some Highlights of the Forum

Motivational, health and other talks: During meetings and some other events, a few moms get to share tips and ideas on the ‘how to’ of certain areas in life. Being a mom is not the easiest job in the world and can often get very stressful. These talks often help moms find a balance in their mental, financial, physical and social lives.

Christmas Party: One major highlight for me and I know a few other moms too is the yearly Christmas party. I remember gasping in shock when I saw a few moms dancing and having fun at my first Caring Mothers Christmas party. This party has a way of making you forget it all and have a really good time. It is such a great place to relax and unwind.

Inter House Sports Competition: Whenever the children have their Inter House Sports Competition, moms get to display their skills in some competitive activities. This event comes up once a year and it is always lovely and fun filled. The highlight of this event for me is always the March Past Parade; I have always been a sucker for Marching.

A few unofficial activities like the ability to sell our products to each other and also display them just outside the school compound has been a highlight for me and some moms, I have done some really good purchases there.
One major unofficial activity in this forum is the show of love between these moms, I have seen a number of times where a mom or two have assisted each other in tough and difficult times of lack, loss and even in joyful celebrations like births and birthday celebrations.

As a person who loves to see the good in everything first, I think it is safe to say that I love The Caring Mothers Forum of Towering Tots School and I have never seen anything like it or better.

Why can’t we all be the same? Part 1

I watched her over a period of time. She was always calm. Always put together. Never losing her cool. I never heard her raise her voice. I prayed to God to give me her grace and patience but some how it just did not work out.

I felt sad for my son and wondered if he would take offence when he grew older and remembered how my voice often hiked with any slight alteration in my “normal” life.

My neighbour is a beautiful young lady, I’m not sure how old she is, but I am certain I have got a good number of years on her. She moved in with her husband a couple of years ago after their wedding. A few months into their marriage, she became pregnant. We were told they were expecting triplets, I doubted it very much because her tummy almost never grew larger than a full meals’ bulge. Whether I believed it or not, the time came and she had triplets. All boys.

Whether you have had kids or not, we all know that along with the great joy that they bring, children come with a lot of change; schedules get turned upside down, sleep becomes a prize we look forward to and lots more.

As I write this, the boys are way over one year old and their mother (Martha) is still holding it together and being strong. I asked her at some point how she never looks overwhelmed by all of it, because I know I would… I have got just one, still I get frazzled quite often. She told me she has some alone quiet moments when she lets go and cries it all out. That comforted me for a bit, but something hit me. Her being calm and collected in the midst of it all did not mean she was not affected by it, it only meant that she decided not to let it affect how she handled the responsibility she had been saddled with. I took that lesson with me and I have been practicing a lot and failing some times, but like they say; practice makes perfect.

I certainly am not aiming for perfect, i just want a calm and happy spirit in my home in place of the dissatisfaction that comes with any “wrong move”.

I think God makes us different for His own reasons… but He made my neighbour different from me to allow me to learn her patience and calm. I am enjoying what i am learning. I appreciate the peace that comes with it

Time passes and things do change

3 Christmases ago, my son participated in a chair dance competition and he lost to the winner. He cried so much it hurt. That had not been the only time I had seen him cry after losing at a game or sport. I spent the next couple of months telling him at any chance I could get how he didn’t always have to win at everything he participated in. I didn’t tell him not to keep trying, but I made him realise that he could win some and then lose some. I didn’t dwell too much on it and I didn’t even revisit the issue at all. Somehow, I saw him win several chair dance competitions and dance competitions at parties and I sighed heavy sighs of relief each time.

Today I was at a child’s party with him and next thing I know he’s been thrown out at the 3rd stage of a dance competition. My heart rate went up instantly. I was afraid he’d make a fuss, or worse, I was afraid he’d cry. To my surprise, he bounced back to his seat with a big smile and a little chuckle. I was happy for a moment and then the fear inside me came up for air. I suddenly remembered how in reference to how Will Smith had laughed at Chris Rock’s joke about Jada but later smacked Chris in the face, my sister had said “people laugh a lot to hide pain so sometimes it’s hard to tell”.

I got into an argument with myself about how he was only 8 years old and couldn’t put up a facade if he wasn’t happy and all. While I argued with myself, I saw him try to get into another competition. He was turned down…15 minutes later he entered into another competition. He was asked to bring his mum to join him for the game and I obliged. While we waited for the rules, I asked him why he was entering into all the games and competitions and with his usual bubbly spirit and a large smile he said “I want to win a prize, I will keep participating in all games till I win a prize today”.

I played the game with him and he won.

I learned some lessons today:

I worry too much.
Things get better with time.
Everything will ALWAYS be alright in the END.

I hope I learn these lessons long enough to use them as a guide for him.