Lately, I can’t seem to get double standards out of my mind. I have been thinking about it for many years, but recently, it won’t just let me go.
I am not talking about the obvious ones that are easy to point out, it’s the everyday ones. The ones in relationships, conversations, expectations, and the way we judge other people’s choices.
I find myself wondering and I wonder if you do too, about why we can so easily have one rule for ourselves and another for someone else. Why is something acceptable when I do it, but questionable when you do it? Also, why can I make a certain choice and expect you to understand it, but when you make that same choice, suddenly I have questions?
The thing that bothers me most is not necessarily the behaviour itself. Sometimes nobody is doing anything wrong. It’s the inconsistency that makes me ponder.
I believe fairness isn’t about making sure everybody does exactly the same thing. Sometimes people genuinely have different circumstances, responsibilities and needs. But when we establish a standard for someone else, shouldn’t we at least be willing to examine whether we would accept that same standard for ourselves?
For instance, one person may say, “I don’t like you checking my phone. I believe everyone deserves privacy.” But that same person may feel entitled to check their partner’s phone whenever they become suspicious.
Here, I believe the question isn’t necessarily, “Is checking a phone wrong?” but, “Would I be comfortable with the same standard if it were applied to me?”
For me, that’s where double standards become interesting. It’s not always about whether a particular action is right or wrong; it’s about whether the rule changes depending on who is doing it.
I’ve also noticed another version of it.
Someone may not make plans, communicate what they are doing, or think ahead about certain things, but then they ask you, “So what are your plans?” “What are you intending to do?” And you find yourself thinking, But wait… don’t you think I could ask you the same question?
I’ve had to ask myself a lot of times why I notice these things so much… I think part of it is because I am very conscious of not wanting to do the same thing. If I believe something is unfair, I try not to be unfair.
If I don’t think someone should behave a certain way, I try to make sure I don’t excuse that behaviour when I am the one doing it.
Lets get one thing straight, this doesn’t mean I always get it right. I don’t. But I strongly think there is something important about being willing to use the same measuring stick on yourself.
It is very easy to see double standards in other people. It is much harder to ask ourselves the following questions:
Am I doing the same thing?
Am I asking someone to communicate when I don’t communicate?
Am I asking someone to consider my feelings while dismissing theirs?
Am I telling someone not to judge people while quietly judging them myself?
Am I asking for understanding that I am unwilling to give?
Am I creating rules for someone else that I would immediately resist if they were applied to me?
I think integrity begins and plays somewhere around those questions.
We don’t aim to be perfect or to contradict ourselves. We are human, and sometimes we genuinely behave inconsistently without even realizing it… but maybe integrity is being willing to notice. To stop and say, “Hmm. If I expect this from you, am I willing to expect it from myself too?”
That question can humble you very quickly.
Lets not simply have standards, lets be willing to live by the same standards we expect from the people around us. It is easy to point at someone and say, “That’s a double standard.”
It is much harder to turn the measuring stick around and hold it up to yourself.
